May 4 - She said no, no and no. She said no to my salty jokes. Not to my guests courteous. Not that we will track this weekend. It very funny. I remember a sentence from a U.S. film "nothing beats the revenge of a woman" (War of the Roses ). What type of revenge would I victim? The fact of the court while having mistresses? This is a short hand for me on long months of loneliness. It's only been two weeks she returned to her homeland and I feel ten years older. His absence exhaust all my energy. Its refusal. But what? Should bend to my whims? See me several times a week simply because I want to? And disappear when I'm tired? And what am I to impose such claims? No, the one who said no. I need to face facts. She has repeated today. Not even as a joke, she is ready to welcome my advances. Sometimes, I am sure these feelings are like the vacuum that occupies my life poor dandy. I must be this, a kind of dilettante small neighborhood means. Having nothing else to do but think and enjoy simple pleasures but so Multiple; feelings stretched in time and space, ten times repeated activities day and night. In a kind of obsession looking for lost pleasures. The compulsion to this honest it reveals its purpose. So I have to love this subject, is not it? No, says the trouble, merely the result of loneliness. My sheets still smell the scent of a lover and my thoughts imbued with my beloved. Between the two, my mind vague on the sea of possibilities.
May 5 - What would I do that I'd soon? At school, I did not have my tank because I did not understand the principles and applications of derivation. Now I understand, I embody a function derived from the company. An impromptu futile. In other times and places I had been decimated to infructuosité . By publishing these writings, I have become hostage to these feelings. If I no longer loved her or if she responded positively to all my requests, well what would I tell? I wonder now how this will affect my thinking "feelings". And if I did marry, it would be the death of art.
May 6 - It is therefore necessary that I continue to love, at least I try hard. Nothing is more imaginary than real newspaper intimate. Nothing is more fictional, in that it features a self transformed by the requirements of the letter and those of the genus. Sometimes we even talked on the phone. It was Sunday, she had a dinner. She has declined my invitation. I feel that she will never have any free time for me. I know how dynamic I've caused us. This imbalance stable, the inequality. It's the same for the world and love. Today, psychologists call this "emotional dependency". It's less romantic but true. Like any addiction, its soil is vice, loneliness, vacancy, or wounded pride. Four nights of celebration in a row, a permanent hangover throughout the day and flash pictures of her. Of smiles that make me believe that happiness still exists, and it would be an ideal wife. Like love, happiness is a belief. It happens to you if you believe. It is an act of courage because it is more virtuous to laugh than to complain, and harder to live than to die. Navel-gazing this text? No, phallic. Between this text and retracts erect again.